Sorry for the hiatus, life has been busy and I haven’t had anything I’ve really wanted to write about lately until now. I was scrolling through insta-stories and someone I follow was talking about having a healthy relationship with food/our body. For example not thinking someone is a “good” person because they eat vegetables or thinking someone is a “bad” person because they have dessert. It made me think about the relationship I’ve had with food over the years and more importantly the relationship I am working having with food and my body right now.
I’ll be honest, for the last 2 years or so I haven’t loved seeing myself in pictures. In the last few months I’ve mostly stopped taking selfies, or at least posed ones to post to instagram and anything I have posted has been a close up of my face at an angle so as to hide all of the things I hate about my body. I’ve constantly been the one who is trying to be behind the camera instead of in front. If you knew me growing up you know that’s the exact opposite of how I used to be. It’s because I’ve started coming to terms with just how much weight I’ve gained over the last 5 years. It sounds like a long time, but that’s just the last time I remember really weighing myself and remembering the number. 135 pounds, and I thought I was so huge then. Today I’m 181 pounds, but even that is better than what I was standing at 2 months ago. For a long time I knew I was packing on pounds but I had myself convinced that if I didn’t see the number on the scale it wasn’t true or something. The only time I was stepping on a scale for the majority of the last 5 years was when I was going to the doctor’s office and even then I wasn’t looking at the number.
It’s been a struggle. My body doesn’t feel good, it doesn’t even feel like my body anymore. It became a shell that I hated. It didn’t fit the image I had of myself in my head. For a long time I couldn’t believe that this is what I look like now. I wasn’t doing anything to change it whatsoever though and that was a big problem. I didn’t want to admit I had gained so much weight or that I had stretch marks on my body and it wasn’t because I had a baby. It was because I was eating unhealthy foods, I was binge drinking followed by binge eating and not working out or attempting to care about my body. I can’t even begin to tell you the amount of times I thought “if only I could have an EATING DISORDER this would be so much easier.” I’m literally ashamed that I ever thought that knowing how awful eating disorders are but it certainly speaks volumes to the way I was thinking about myself and my body and where I was at mental health wise. At the start of 2018 I told myself I was going to change things around – in a healthy way.
Initially in March I attempted a keto diet. I wanted to die. Food is something I love, keto restricted me to the point that one night after a hard day of work I literally cried because I wanted to eat ice cream and knew I couldn’t because of the diet (I ended up eating it anyway and binging which was even worse for me overall). I hated life and was not a very pleasant person to deal with… The same time I was doing this two of my sisters started doing Weight Watchers together. They started having really good success and more importantly they were happy and sane. So I decided after a failed attempt at Keto I was going to try too.
I started Weight Watchers at the end of May. Not only have I not had to completley give up foods I haven’t turned into a monster who is constantly hangry like I have been on every other diet I’ve ever tried in my life. I started the program at 189 pounds, and for the first month somewhat loosely tracked things. I still wasn’t fully committing but I didn’t give up. In the last month now I’ve been more mindful about it, more committed to tracking my food and following the program and it’s when I’ve been doing this that I have seen the most progress on the scale.
I’ve been pushing myself to get better every day. It makes it easier now that my boyfriend is doing the same thing as me – trying to get healthier. It was insanely hard when I was alone in this goal because I could have the best day in the world and then come home to junk and candy in the pantry or to him asking if I wanted to get takeout. I’m not always the strongest person when it comes to turning down food (I’ve been working on it) so it constantly took away any progress I was making. Now that we are striving for the same goal together it’s been so much easier to stay on track.
Along with slowly learning to eat healthy and fuel my body with things that are good for me and not only taste good with no nutritional value to me (hello chips and cookies) I’ve also really started trying to workout and sweat a little at least a few times a week. I’ve fluctuated on how often I’ve met my gym goal but I recently met with a trainer who I plan to start seeing a few times a week. It made me more excited about working out than I have ever been. Working out with a trainer made me push myself harder than ever – I had someone standing next to me cheering me on and not letting me give up. If I had a personal cheerleader for every task I did in life I think I would be getting a lot more done all the time 😉
I’m not writing this just to blabber on about how I’m a healthy person now. Because if you actually read any of that you know I’m not, the point I’m trying to make is that I’m working on it. I follow a lot of people who talk about things like this after they meet their goal and I have the same thoughts every time “wow, they look so good. I don’t think I’m ever going to look that good.” It’s a me thing for sure, but I just don’t always find inspiration in the after. I want to see the during, I want to feel like someone else is at the same place I am. I want to know that someone else is having really awesome days on their fitness journeys as well as days where they slip up and cheat on their plan but accept it because really, it’s not the end of the world and it’s ok!! Earlier I said that I’ve stopped taking pictures of myself. Today when I was getting ready I took a picture of myself that for once I didn’t immediately pick apart and delete. I actually kind of like it.
You can definitely see that I have a little bit of a double chin. But guess what? It’s a smaller double chin than I had a few weeks ago. I didn’t take this photo straight on because I think when I take pictures like that it makes my neck look fat. I also covered my arms, that’s because my upper arms are one of my most insecure areas. I gained so much weight that I now have stretch marks on.my.arms. Who the hell has stretch marks on their arms? Like right by my arm pits. The day I saw those was the day that things really changed for me, if I’m being honest. Over all right now, today, I’m happy and I’m content with where I’m at and more importantly where I’m going on this journey. Every day that I put effort into getting healthy is another day that I can be proud of myself. Another day that I’m not sitting on my couch or in my bed scrolling through social media thinking about how badly I want to be anorexic. I’m in the best mental state I’ve been in years, and that’s something I’m proud of. So to anyone who hasn’t started yet, or who’s in the process of change and feeling discouraged: I’m here with you, I hear you, and I love you! Keep working hard and that hard work is going to pay off.
That’s all from me for now. I’ll try to not go silent for a month and a half again, but no promises 🙂